cynsa beans

To: the Professionals Who Designed the After-Market
Fairing for My '99 Honda CB750 Nighthawk:

Dear Motorcycle Manufacturing Professionals:

A ruler. A tape measure. Some sort of caliper-like device. I think you
might find all of these very helpful in future when designing your
after-market fairings. Because your current methodology, I am sad to say,
is somewhat lacking. How do I know this? Allow me to explain; I just
spent two hours putting on a fairing that should have taken ten minutes to
install. Part of the problem, you must realize, is the brackets you so
thoughtfully provided have mounting holes that are simply too small for
the standard Honda headlight mounting bolts. These are the same headlight
mounting bolts that have been used on Honda motorcycles for the past 35
years, so I can see how you might have gotten confused. But I feel
confident if you had just invested in some measuring devices and a
five-minute phone call to a Honda Parts Department, I would not have had
to burn out the motor on my Dremel tool grinding down your mounting hole
so I could fit the goddamn pardon my color bolt through it.

I think you will agree spending the afternoon grinding down your mounting
hole can be truly tedious. As a solo activity.

It might also have been helpful to utilize a ruler, so that your own
bracket holes would line up with the corresponding holes in the support
struts you also provided. But I guess it is a little too much to ask for
such extremes of tolerance when manufacturing thousands of these dealies
in, one must assume, your parents' basement.

Now, I realize you are professionals. Of some kind. I'm not clear on
that last bit. So it makes me curious as to why you opted to hire a 5
year-old to draw your installation diagram. Perhaps if you had hired
someone with an eye toward the greater aim of providing the illustrations
in the first place, they might have included the tiniest part of the
actual motorcycle in the breakout diagram, thus making it ever so much
easier to figure out which of your aforementioned ill-fitting parts were
supposed to go where. It is all about contextual understanding, you see,
and five year-olds tend to lack it.

In closing, I would like to thank you for an entertaining two hours that I
might have better spent pushing back the cuticles on my toenails.
Enclosed please find the extra "wishnut" (I fear to ask) and the two
pieces of useless bracket that I successfully managed to replace with a
couple of cable-ties and a cotter pin. I hesitate to advise you what to
do with them, on recommendation from my lawyer.

Yours most sincerely,

Cynsa Bonorris